Recently, an article in the New York Times titled "I Found Pornography on My Husband's Computer. I'm Furious!" appeared. The article features a wife who expresses feeling disgusted and betrayed after discovering porn on her husband's computer and worries that this could damage their intimacy.
The advice columnist, Philip Galanes in the column “Social Q’s”, suggests the couple negotiate ground rules for their relationship and consider couples therapy. Galanes also makes the point that the husband's viewing of pornography may not have any bearing on his fidelity or desire for his wife. The article spoke to me, bringing empathy for the wife, but also reminding me of my own addiction to porn. I brought my voice to this article, among hundreds of other voices, where my emphasis was on bringing help to those men or women who struggle to combat an addiction to porn.
700 Readers Had Their Own View
The comment section overflowed and reflected diverse opinions, with many people weighing in on the topic. The listing below shares a catalog of concerns related to porn and its impact on relations.
Impact on Desire and Intimacy: Some commenters suggested that a husband’s use of pornography could negatively affect a wife's desire for him. Others argued that pornography, especially when involving masturbation, might reduce libido and desire for real-life sexual interactions.
Potential for Infidelity: Some commenters raised concerns about whether pornography use could be a "slippery slope" to infidelity.
Ethical Concerns: Several comments highlighted the exploitative nature of the pornography industry and the potential for normalization of harmful behaviors. Some comments pointed out the potential for abuse, trafficking, and exploitation in the porn industry.
Privacy and Discretion: The issue of discretion was also raised, with some arguing that even in a marriage, individuals are entitled to a certain level of privacy, respect, and trust.
Differing Views on Acceptability: There was a clear divide in the comments regarding the acceptability of pornography in relationships. Some felt it was a normal and healthy outlet, while others considered it a dealbreaker.
The Male Gaze and Objectification: Some commenters expressed concern that pornography promotes the objectification of women and reinforces harmful societal views. They also suggested that women may feel pressured to accept male partners' interest in pornography.
Addiction and Compulsive Behavior: Several comments mentioned the potential for pornography to become an addiction, consuming excessive time and negatively impacting relationships. Some commenters shared that porn can desensitize the watcher to intimate sex and creates unrealistic expectations regarding sex.
The Question of "Normal": Some comments pushed back against the idea that "all men look at porn". They challenge the assumption that women should passively accept this behavior.
My Contribution: Highlighting Pornography Addiction
While many comments touched on various aspects of pornography consumption, my intention in my comment (as Bob W, a Ridgeback Recovery client) was to draw attention to a specific concern: the potential for addictive use.
I was trying to emphasize that even if pornography use isn't inherently harmful, it can become problematic when it turns into an addiction that takes up massive amounts of time and endangers relationships.
I wanted to highlight the importance of assessing the depth of involvement with pornography and whether it was negatively impacting the relationship. The goal was to encourage a discussion about responsible consumption and to consider the potential warning signs of addiction. I was pleased to see the comment highlighted as a Reader Pick.
Understanding Porn Addiction
Before developing my own journey to recover from porn addiction, lets remind ourselves that porn addiction, also known as compulsive sexual behavior disorder, is a psychological dependency on the explicit content. Unlike substance addictions, it doesn't involve a physical substance. Consider these traits as you reflect whether you or a loved one have an addiction.
Compulsive Consumption: An uncontrollable urge to consume explicit material, often for hours, which interferes with daily life.
Escalation: Seeking more extreme or niche content to achieve the same level of satisfaction.
Neglecting Responsibilities: Ignoring important life responsibilities, such as work, family, or education.
Social Isolation: Withdrawing from social activities in favor of spending time alone with the addiction.
Potential Legal Consequences: Facing legal issues, especially if explicit material is accessed without consent or involves minors. This can include possession of illegal material, distribution of explicit content without consent, and harassment.
How Recovery Helped Me
I came to recovery for a porn addiction that had legal consequences. I shared my recovery story in a previous post. As shared in my New York Times comments, some of the most impactful in recovery was developing tools from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CPT) to interrupt cravings for porn. I have learned to move away from the computer, to call a friend, to remind myself that I am a protector of the young and innocent. Consistent with the slogan "it takes a team", I have been aided by the fellowship of 12-step programs such as Sex Addicts Anonymous. Having the collaboration with others who struggle with the facets of sex addiction reinforces my resolve as well as brings insights to my own recovery.
For severe addictions like mine, Ridgeback Recovery provided a nonjudgemental and confidential space to address my challenges with porn addiction. There was support, therapy, and guidance needed to incrementally break free from addiction and rebuild a fulfilling life.
Conclusion
The online discussion surrounding the article revealed the complexities and sensitivities surrounding pornography in relationships. My pornography addiction destroyed my relations bringing a sense of betrayal across my family. While there is no consensus on its acceptability, the comments highlight important considerations, ranging from its potential impact on intimacy and desire to ethical concerns and the risk of addiction. Couples should engage in open and honest conversations about their values, boundaries, and expectations regarding pornography to navigate this issue in a way that respects both partners' needs and feelings. Moreover, when pornography use becomes compulsive or addictive, it is crucial to seek help professional help. My own recovery has benefited from the tools I have learned in my recovery, and the fellowship with other addicts who are working their own recovery journey.