The Lure of the Screen
It started subtly. I held an interest in language with apps, and language chatting transitioned to sexting. Sexting, the sending of sexual text messages, often including nude or seminude photos and sometimes videos, seemed like a fun way to spice things up. Sexting arrived at a time when I was struggling with my marriage due to previous mistakes, enduring the loneliness of the pandemic, and surrounded by intense stress of work. The beginnings were innocent, a desire to practice a conversation online. The language apps became a gateway to anonymous dating apps. I could craft a persona, be whoever I wanted. The thrill of the hunt, the anticipation of a response, the validation it brought — it was intoxicating.
A Grip I Couldn’t Shake
Before long, the excitement turned into a compulsion. Sexting was no longer a choice, it was a need. I was spending hours online, neglecting my responsibilities, and pushing away the people I cared about. The guilt and shame were overwhelming, but they weren’t enough to stop me. I recognized the signs of addiction: the uncontrollable urges, the continuation of the behavior despite the negative consequences, engaging in communications that crossed the lines of morality. My life was unraveling yet at the same time the behavior persisted in a “bubble” disconnected from my unraveling life. I was exhausted, and I felt utterly powerless to stop it. The addict operating in my bubble acted with a diminished morality that was in conflict with the values I held as a father and community leader.
Discovery and Facing My Demons
My addiction led to a sloppiness that facilitated the discovery of my sexting. After the discovery of my sexting, facing the reality of my addiction was the hardest part. I lost connection to my family, my marriage, my position at work and my standing in my community. The shame was so deep and blinding that I became suicidal. While the sexting ceased with the removal of my electronic devices, the shame endured. After hospitalization for my attempted suicide, I hid in my home afraid to be seen in my neighborhood. My mental health challenges were complex: a sex addiction manifested through sexting, deep shame that masked the value of life, and loss of family and community. In the short term I learned that love for me endured albeit different, and a path of recovery was beginning to create a healthier life.
Rebuilding My Life, Step by Step
Recovery is an ongoing process, a daily commitment to choosing a different path. It’s about learning to connect in meaningful ways, without the need for the fleeting validation from a screen. It’s about rediscovering my own worth, building genuine relationships, and finding fulfillment outside the digital world. It’s a journey I’m still on, but the freedom I’ve found makes it all worthwhile. Recovery has been a compilation of different steps.
An initial step as digital devices were reintroduced was installation of porn blocking software such as Covenant Eyes or Canopy. As important as the software, so is an accountability partner who administers the restrictions. As they say, “once an addict, always an addict”, and the temptation to breach an app is likely unless an accountability partner plays their role.
Shame is a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming and impropriety. My shame fueled the compulsivity of my addiction, and after discovery enabled destructive withdrawal, hopelessness, inferiority and depression. I have progressed to change my shame to guilt. Shame defined me as a “bad person doing bad things”, where guilt allows a view that I am a good person who made mistakes. Becoming free of shame restored connectedness, hope, and self-love. A future view has been enabled to be of service to other sex addicts in the recovery we seek.
Joining a twelve-step recovery program like Sex Addicts Anonymous group was another turning point. Hearing the stories of others who had walked the same path, struggled with the same demons, offered a sense of belonging I hadn’t realized I craved. It showed me I wasn’t alone, that recovery was possible.
Made practicing daily meditation a healthy structure to my day. My daily meditation is of my own making. I introduce into my meditation affirmations: I am enough, I am honest, I embody loving kindness. I express gratitude to those on my recovery journey. I pray to my Higher Power recognizing their aid in turning away from the temptations of my addiction.
Participating in group and individual therapy developed an understanding of my triggers of loneliness and stress. Coupled to core beliefs of not being worthy led to my finding solace, and ultimately pleasure in sexting. Observing other sex addicts showed that a common therapeutic model can address sexting and other manifestations of sex addiction.
While the repercussions of my sexting addiction are inescapably tragic, the work of recovery has addressed the underlying psychological challenges that allowed my addiction to grow. Now nearly eight months into my recovery, I am equipped with the tools and techniques needed to address the underlying triggers, and to create a healthier life while controlling addictive tendencies.
My first post on the Ridgeback Recovery blog is a milestone in my recovery journey. I extend my gratitude to Ridgeback Recovery for their therapy, my family for their support of my recovery, and to friends that have persisted as the disclosure of my addiction enacted its toll. I maintain anonymity in these posts while I am still in the legal system to avoid jeopardizing my case while working in service to other addicts.
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