Finding Equanimity: A Tool Fortifying Recovery

I was at a sangha recently, and the leader was discussing faith. During the conversation that followed, I asked about the process of "letting go," a concept I often struggled with. As different members shared their perspectives, the person next to me quietly remarked that for them, equanimity was more impactful than discerning what to have faith in or what to let go of. Frankly, I had heard the word, but I didn't really know what it meant.

As if a Higher Power spoke, this new idea arrived just in time. The very next day, I was scheduled to lead a Dharma Recovery meeting, and I decided to turn my new curiosity into a lesson for the group. As I prepared, I found a meditation by Dharma Recovery on Insight Timer that invited a practice of equanimity as we might encounter different people in our lives—a friend, a stranger, and someone with whom we have difficulty. The meditation and the shares from the group that followed were incredibly impactful, reinforcing just how powerful this concept is. This post grew from the remarks I offered before the shares.

I learned in the Buddhist tradition, equanimity, or Upekkha, is one of the four Brahmaviharas, or "Sublime States," alongside loving-kindness, compassion, and joy. It is the practice of cultivating a spacious, balanced, and peaceful mind that can face all of life’s changing circumstances—both pleasant and unpleasant—without being knocked over. This connects directly to the 8-Fold Path, a common recitation in a Dharma Recovery meeting, particularly through two key practices:

• Right Intention is about clarifying the why behind our actions. It's the conscious choice to act from a place of healing and non-harm, rather than from a place of craving, aversion, or the need to escape discomfort. For those of us who struggle with codependency, our intention is often to manage someone else's feelings in order to feel safe ourselves. Right Intention encourages us to shift that focus inward, toward our own healing.

• Right Mindfulness is the how. It is the moment-to-moment practice of paying attention without judgment. It's about noticing our thoughts and feelings as they arise—the urge for validation, the sting of criticism—without immediately getting entangled in them or being commanded by them.

When we combine the clear purpose of Right Intention with the gentle awareness of Right Mindfulness, we are actively practicing equanimity.

For my own recovery, I’ve found it helpful to connect this idea to physical practices I already knew. During our discussion after the meditation, members found it helpful to embrace a metaphor: to think of our mind as a ship at sea. The buffeting of rebuilding family connections will always come, but with equanimity, our ship is stronger and doesn't get tossed around as much. We set an anchor around ourselves such that we might have stability across challenging social circumstances. As we practice yoga in the recovery house, the strength of Mountain Pose created the strength as illustrated in the blog's cover image. In this pose, I stand firm, grounded, and stable. I am not rigid, but I am unshakable. This physical feeling, akin to mental stability, helped me visualize the force of equanimity.

Equanimity has augmented my approach to mindful meditation. Mindful meditation embodies observing thoughts and then releasing them, like pushing thought clouds away. Equanimity brings strength to augment observation. Equanimity brings a strong mind that can protect us as we face sometimes challenging thoughts that emerge in our meditation practice. Returning to the visual metaphor of Mountain Pose, my eyes are open to the observations of thoughts, and my torso is strong to be stable as disruptive thoughts are encountered and released.

An equanimity practice is an antidote to core recovery challenges of codependency and validation addiction. Codependency is a state of being externally referenced. Our inner peace and self-worth are dependent on the moods and approval of others. Validation, in this context, is the feeling of relief we get when someone else tells us we are okay. The angst of validation addiction is the constant, gnawing anxiety that comes from seeking that approval, and the deep discomfort we feel when we don't receive it.

Equanimity provides the strength to endure that angst. It allows us to sit with the discomfort of not being validated without immediately needing to fix it. It builds the inner resilience to know that we are okay, even when someone else is upset with us. The practice works by creating a small, crucial space between a feeling and our reaction to it. When we feel that familiar pang of needing someone's approval, or the sting of their disapproval, equanimity allows us to simply notice it: "Ah, there is the craving for validation. I feel it as a tightness in my chest." By observing the feeling instead of immediately reacting, we see it for what it is: a temporary visitor, a passing cloud. It is not an absolute command we must obey. In that space, we break the cycle. We are no longer slaves to the craving, and we learn, moment by moment, to find our balance not in the changing opinions of others, but in the quiet strength of our own centered mind.

An Equanimity Meditation:

For those interested, the meditation that inspired our group discussion is this guided practice on Insight Timer: Equanimity Practice by Dharma Recovery